Okay, so I definitely had an eventful last week and the weekend took the cake. I want to go into detail, yet I'm procrastinating on my econ hw at the same time so I'm just gonna sum things up on my weblog.

I'll be using code names to describe people.

So last week, I found out that mestizo had become single so I took this time and decided that I'd get closure with him. I sure did get closure, ultimately rejected too. I found out we had feelings for each other, but now we wouldn't be more than friends. He really hurt me last year, but I'm glad it's all over in terms of where we stand at getting a relationship. I may have hurt him too since I told him to watch out for his current ex, but I said what I wanted to say and I told him what he needed to know. He'll never know just how deep he cut me, but at least I know he feels sorry for what he was informed.

However, in this process, I had my feelings questioned for ice cream. I really like him but I also realize it doesn't seem like he's fighting for me at all. I don't know if it's his shy personality or the tight grip of his parents, but sometimes I wish he made more of an effort if he does like me. Then again, I still have no idea how he feels. So let's recount what happened. I chickened out Wednesday night before the wedding rehearsal, so Allan got me to call him. He literally touched the phone to dial. I called, no answer for nearly an hour. He calls back while I'm in the bathroom, so I call him back afterward. Well, I get Allan to dial again. So we talk, this is Friday night. I ask him if he's doing anything tomorrow, he said he wasn't sure of his schedule. I asked him if he wanted to go to my sister's wedding, he said he wasn't invited. I asked him to be my date, he was like oh, I'm not sure if I can, I don't know my schedule, or something like that, and asked me if he could get back to me or let me know tomorrow. I asked him if he was attending WS, when I knew already that he would teach CWS. He told me he was going to perform so I said he could tell me tomorrow.

The night was restless at the hotel as I had thought so much about him and about my Maid of Honor speech, and so many wedding things and how this would be the last night sleeping next to my sister, possibly ever. I was tossing and turning and I was really tired in the morning, embarrassingly enough. Well, after WS he had to count and stuff, but eventually we met at the lobby.

He asked me what time the wedding was, I said 3:30p. He said he thought it would be later, and had a meeting or something and hw to catch up on. I said the reception is at 6pm could he at least make it to that? He said he wasn't sure and asked if he could call me later and let me know. I said yeah that's fine, to call me. He then asked if we all needed dates or something, something to that affect. At that point, something pushed me over the edge, I snapped and I knew I didn't want him to think I just asked him out purely to have a date. To that effect, I felt that I blurted it out not in the way I intended it to sound, but I said it possibly with a bit of an angry/annoyance type tone. "I asked you out because I like you." Then the moment of utter shock and unpreparedness was apparent for the both of us. He said, so I'll call you later, and I just said yeah, and we hurriedly walked away in opposite directions. Essentially, we ran away from each other. I wish that I had not, but I was so anxious because I had hair and make-up appointments to catch and so much to prepare for the wedding, that I couldn't chase after him even if I had wanted to. So that's how it ended. He never called me back that day, unless there was a slim chance he called when my phone was off during the wedding ceremony.

The rest of the day really flew by. I tried to keep my phone near and on as much as I could, but I realized that after the ceremony and when 5p-6p time rolled around, that it was too late. I wanted to call him so badly, but I didn't. I kinda regret it, but at the same time I know it's the right decision, I don't want to push so hard.

The wedding was beautiful, I didn't cry because it was really a joyous occasion. Ate and Kuya were perfect. The ceremony went well, everyone walked okay. Things went ahead of schedule for the most part. The reception really just zoomed past once the toast was over. I don't know that I did better than Adnan, but it was apparent that I was more prepared. I got through it all without reading too much, and I did my best to really look at my audience. I fumbled a bit out of text, but I was able to cover it up, at least I hope I did. I got lots of compliments on how I looked and how well my speech went. It was a real confidence boosting evening. The food was delicious, the games were hilarious, and the photobooths were just awesome. I can't wait to see the photos and videos.

Sunday was gift opening and kind of a boring day, but I hung out with Ate and Kuya before they departed for their honeymoon. Monday, I went to work, not as much mail as I thought there would be, and luckily Columbus Day meant no mail for Monday. When I went home, I ended up procrastinating on my homework, even until now, yes I am such a fool. I also called Ate, Monday night, her and Kuya finally consummated. Oh yeah, on Saturday night after the wedding, they just slept. They were so tired. I know this because I had the privilege of sleeping at the 2nd floor in the room.

So, I fell asleep doing hw, then woke up early, but then procrastinated again. Mostly, I fb chatted and did stuff like this instead of homework. I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't wrap my head around school at the moment. I guess because my heart is swirling with emotions.

I talked to Kdramaboy and he, being a mutual friend of Ice Cream and I, told me he'd try to get him to open up for me. But also, not to give up because ice cream is really shy and his parents have him on a tight leash. To just be his friend and stay his friend. I also updated my italian/asian besties on the situation. This morning I talked to Londonboy and he said I shouldn't waste my time. I know he just doesn't want me to get hurt and really just waste my time on ice cream. But at the same time I don't think he fully understand the situation like Kdramaboy does. But I take both of their advice into perspective. Where Kboy is a romantic and rooting for me, Lboy is being more of a realist and watching out for me. Both of them are there for me though and in different ways, and I know they want the best for me. It's funny how I talk to both of them for relationship advice, when I had crushes on both. But at the same time I'm so glad their happy and I can tell that their girlfriends are good for them. I admire their relationships.

So that's what happened, so much and it still continues. I haven't seen ice cream yet, and I really don't know what to do when I see him. If I will be so straightforward to ask if there will be a chance of a relationship between us, I don't know if I can muster up the courage.

I'm on vacation today, and I think we're going to take the Canadians to the Korean Friendship Bell. I need to get my work done so I don't have to worry about it anymore, so here's to the end of this entry.

Funny how I update my xanga, usually for boy problems, birthdays, and random special events hahaha.

I hope it all works out, I really do. I admit it here at least, that I really love ice cream.

-Erika

-edit-
I just noticed that the last time I wrote here was April 2, I missed my 21st birthday writing on xanga! Oh well, it was a busy day and it was fun. I had a small family party/grad party.

Okay, I reread my last entry so a couple of updates. I've been a good patient, I lost weight, not so much weight since I stopped working out, ugh, but still I look better and I want to get back on track for that again. I applied for graduation this semester and also applied to CSUDH for transfer. The italian/asians were here in the summer, it wasn't awkward, or at least I didn't make it awkward with him, and it was fun times fasho. Aaand everything is going better than expected. I need to mention that the first time I really gave ice cream a chance and talked to him was the night of the leaving of the ItaliAsians, so he cheered me up in sad times, and over the course of the months following the April 1 confession, I found myself falling for him.

The more I talked and got to know ice cream, the more I felt myself liking him, I couldn't stop thinking about him. If you look at my current journal, he's in so many entries, even if it just says that I wish I saw ice cream today. And so many times I chickened out and didn't tell him how I felt. I'm glad I said my peace, though I admit it wasn't the heartfelt confession I wanted it to be. Let's see what happens now. I choose to be optimistic because I know everything will turn out alright. I told myself in April that I'd be better, and although I'm moving slowly, I am slowly getting better, to be better in my health, in my faith, and as a person. I will continue to strive to be better.

Just felt like typing a little something before bed.

It's Finals week and everyone feels the pressure. Luckily for me, it's pretty much over. I have one more final for my online CAOTC35 class on Monday, but other than that, I'm in the clear. A huge weight feels lifted off my shoulder, and I am one final away from a Certificate in Accounting.

I know it's late and I should be sleeping for tomorrow is Thursday morning, but I had an urge to update, considering all the things happening in my life.

A certain someone has flown into town and he's here to stay for a while. I'm ecstatic and nervous to see him. He's my hatsukoi after all....

I wish my sister's averatec had hiragana enabled. The battery is running out and the charger isn't plugged so I'm forced to make this a short entry. Cafe Life on Facebook is eating me away, and I love/hate it. I think I'm addicted because I'm living a bit of my dream to own a bakery/cafe online

So, photography and business law are over, so is intro to business. I've enjoyed all that I learned, especially photography. I feel smarter again after this semester. It reall seems like the past 4 semesters have just been nonstop academic acceleration and I feel blessed and uplifted. I know it's thanks to God that I've been able to get B's and A's for these past 4 semesters and the reason why I'm so close to graduation.

I've had a financial reality check lately. I want to help my family with finances, however, I've gotten my own bills to pay. From my 2-year maintanence fee to monthly payments for my time share and tuition, my paycheck barely covers it. I've paid my monthly for December and my Spring 2011 tuition, so now all that's left is that darn maintenance fee. It's just around the time that theres a lot of sales for things I want too! How convenient..../sarcasm

Fortunately, I feel better/not sick anymore, unfortantely my sister is sick at the moment. Thanksgiving is this weekend, and I'm doing my best to be careful not to get sick and stuff.

Okay, well, I have a lot to say, as usual, but at least my updates are getting a bit more frequent. I suck at properly documenting my life at the moment, but here's hoping that in the future I will have some form of organized memoirs that I can use to write some type of autobiography haha.

There's still battery left, but it's nearly midnight and I should really be off to bed.

Winter break is essentially upon me and I can't wait to celebrate it with food, shopping, and a whole lotta xboxLIVE, but that might have to wait until AFTER this weekend. Oh and after I pay bills haha. For now I guess just xboxLIVE will definitely due, but I reserve that for tomorrow.

Good night xanga, thanks for continuing to be here for me. I'm glad this site hasn't gone down. It may be "out" in terms of usage by everyone, but that doesn't matter to me.

-Erika

P.S.
I can't believe it's already December. I mean the semester seemed so long yet it flew by. It's funny how it dragged on as I was in it, but now that I reached the end and look back on Fall 2010, it seems that if went by so fast and was gone in an instant. Time is really fast...
The new year is almost here, am I ready to commit to some new resolutions? Dear God, I hope so.

P.P.S.
I don't know what P.P.S. means, but I need a new xanga picture haha.

Dear xanga,
We go way back, don't we?

It's already been another year of neglecting you. Over the years my posts have become sparse and more mature in a sense, yet it's always the same. It's me venting out to you for the world to read. I still bide my words in a private manner, but at the same time pour out my emotions onto you. I'm grateful that you've been here for me for 7+ years and are somehow still going strong.

I made a change in you now. The xanga I've held onto for so many years that I paraded with my love of Inuyasha is now gone. I've let the old theme go and gotten this new one in commemoration for my love of Saint's Row 2. The old theme, as much as I loved it, has corroded by the outdated layout and the images being replaced by photobucket errror messages. As beautiful as it was to me, I have bid my adieu and now move on to this more modern purple theme.

So much has happened to me in a year and a few months. So many memories go by that I forget to write take the time to write it down. I've never been a very diligent journalist of my own life, as much as I wish I chronicled myself more often. I don't usually like to delve into the past happenings, but in summary, for my own benefit, I will list some important events.

Ate is a licensed, RN. I've been still going strong in my job at PSMG. Today was the start of my fall semester, I am now in my junior year at LBCC. I've switched from Nursing to an Accounting major and am happy with my decision. I've lost some weight, not much to be overjoyous, but it's better than gaining like I usually do. Canadians visited us recently again. We celebrated the 96th anniversary. I've made new friends, most of them are younger than me somehow. I tried to start a blog about Yotsuba& and food. I rearranged my room and it is an arrangement that I love and doubt will ever change. I joined xbox LIVE and I love it. I may get my accounting certificate this semester. I am 20 years old

Most of these are recent events, my memory is too hazy to remember too far back. Nor do I wish to take the time to list all events.

I guess I wrote here because I feel that I owe so much to xanga. I laughed so hard re-reading the older entries when I was a young teenager, and the angst I felt as a teenager. Now I laugh at my posts in my recent years as they show my procrastination and laziness in writing, yet I still attempt to try to keep a bit active on this site.

I would like to say that I will try to write here more often and really stick to it unlike ever before. However, I won't make a promise I know I can't keep. This semester seems like it'll be a bit hectic as I'm taking two night classes and two online classes.

As usual, another thing that sparks my return is a boy. Maybe I should say a man, but I don't feel much like a woman. In fact, I'm just a little girl when it comes to the nature of love. It's a bit depressing at times, being two decades old and without love. I mean not familial love, but a real romantic relationship. The lonliness creeps onto me. I'm not going to wallow and write about who I like or anything. It's just too complicated and as much as I love him, it seems he's just not that into me. I think the hardest thing is to try to get over someone, when you can't even tell him your true feelings. It's not exactly that I can't tell him but, well, like I said it's complicated. I guess I'm just waiting now for the right moment to get my feelings across. I just want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. He's my friend and I want what's best for him, but I also can't deny how I feel for him.

To top my troubles with this boy, I'm also being matchmaked by my auntie to some man back home in the Philippines. I don't know what he looks like and I don't think he knows what I look like. I don't really know what to say about it except, I know he's established which is a plus, but more than that, he's active, which is essential in my book.

Well, I want to write more, but I'm getting really sleepy now. I'm pretty much broke right now, with most of my last paycheck spent during our vacation with our Canadian relatives. It was fun, but my funds are nadda. I'm just waiting for my next paycheck. It's not that I like to rush my studies and try to get a job and work so hard super right away. I mean I want to get this done fast, but it's mostly that I need a good paycheck. Hopefully, I can get a bigger one within a year.

I'm going to publish this now, though somewhat incomplete in terms of things still going on in life. But, my eyelids are drooping and there are many things to be done tomorrow. Happy birthday to all August celebrants, especally my ate.

Good night, and thank you xanga.
I love you,
Erika